Mind Blockers

Mind blockers are things that keep me from moving forward in life: stress, worry, anxiety, guilt, rejection, fear, apathy, confusion, break ups, huge decisions, and failed attempts. Whenever I feel these mind blockers, my logic literally goes out the window. I begin to think irrationally, and my body begins to operate like a robot--particularly around food. I eat safe foods that I know I don't have to have logic to eat and not go over in calorie count. Or, I feel like for some reason calories don't exist anymore, and I eat until my brain snaps back into place and I realize what I've done. Stress is the main factor, followed closely by rejection, and in third place: confusion. I work through my emotions with food--using mindless eating and exercising as a sort of therapy. I've grown to love and hate my ED all at the same time. I love it's comfort, but I hate its affects: feeling cold, tired, and foggy--and in reverse: feeling sick, fat, and out of control. My love/hate relationship has turned into part of my identity. It's like a close friend or family member--I can have anger and resentment towards them, but I will always love and forgive them at the end of the day--they will always be part of my life.

That's what I tell myself, but that doesn't have to be true.

I am compassionate, caring, inspiring, determined, hard working, smart, creative, sensitive, loving, funny, serious, cute, endearingly awkward, gentle, patient, loyal, and forgiving.
I am good at painting, drawing, music, theater, encouragement, sports, writing, innovation, having an open mind, cooking, visual memory, caring for others, school, and work.

I am good at so many things! And I am capable of more than I even realize at this moment! We all are! So, the question is: why do I focus on one thing I struggle with greatly, instead of all the good things I can do successfully. I bet, if I started thinking more about the things I love, and less about the thing I love sometimes but mostly hate....that thing would become less and less significant in my life.

What are you good at? What do you find your identity in? A higher power? Your successes? Your failures? What do you want to find your identity in? I can't imagine any of us want to place our identities on our failures or struggles, so, why do we do it? Can we destroy these mind blockers by the way we direct our thoughts? I think so.

I'm not my ED. I'm not my ED. I'm not my ED. I'm not my ED. I AM NOT AN EATING DISORDER. It cannot consume me, because there are too many other things filling me up. All the qualities I'm good at are overflowing, so there's not room for you ED.

Mind blockers, be gone.

The sandwich...

I can't remember the last time I ate a sandwich and didn't feel guilty about it. WHY? I don't know why I do that. I'll eat piece of toast, and then another piece of toast because I deprive myself of the sandwich, and then I may eat a spoonful of PB because I'm still hungry.....so by then, I've practically already eaten a sandwich...just in separate parts. I feel like its a binge, even though I know that's something a normal person eats. I'm not sure what it is. It's like, I can't allow myself the joy of eating a full sandwich, knowing that I'm consciously eating bread. I can't remember the last time I ate a lot of foods that I consider "bad" without feeling like I've failed. And, I have no answer as to why I do this. It's like I feel like I'm not strong enough to resist the food, so I feel like I'm weak.

I think there is some kind of metaphor with the sandwich thing. In order for a sandwich to be a sandwich (I've never written the word sandwich so many time in my life)...it has to have 3 parts--top bread, filling, and bottom bread. Some small part of me subconsciously thinks I don't deserve all of those parts. The voice inside my head tells me..."you're fat. you're worthless. you can't do anything right. you don't deserve to eat because you need to lose weight. bread is bad, and only people who are skinny are allowed to eat it." I know that voice is against me, and yet, even though I know it's not my friend and only wants to hurt me, I still react to those thoughts. I can tell myself those comments aren't true, but I still respond to them. It's like muscle memory. There is some disconnect in my brain--part of me is very conscious that I have disordered eating and thoughts, and the other part tells me I'm normal and that I'm right in thinking all of those things about myself because they are true. Because I don't fully understand what's going on in the psychology behind those disordered eating thoughts, its much easier to believe the other side.

Natalie, you are worthy of eating a sandwich. A full sandwich--all together. Because you deserve fullness and wholeness. You deserve life and your portion of daily bread.

Introduction

For some reason, I cannot hold myself to a journal. I always sign a contract with myself on my, "okay...it's time for a change" days stating that I will only eat x amount of calories, exercise x amount  a day, dress confidently no matter what my weight is, feed myself through positive self talk and God, and journal. All of these goals go down the drain after about 27 hours. I'm working slowly to make each of them my lifestyle, instead of a "diet" style of life. Rather than feeling like I'm checking off the chore list, I want to feel like I'm finally living life instead of letting life run freely by me while I drag through some deceiving trail confused and in the darkness. 

Journaling will now begin here. I'm going to try this. I find it a lot easier to type my feelings for some reason. And, I also feel like maybe my words have a purpose if someone else is reading them. Who knows if anyone will read this, but if they do, I hope that it serves some positive purpose in their lives. I can't promise this blog will be up lifting, but I can promise that it will be honest, because that is the only reason I've created it; to let my honest word flow be released instead of swirling around in my brain.

I can tell you this blog will mostly be about my struggle with disordered eating, becoming an adult, relationships, and other feelings toward what life is and why we're all on this earth.

Hi, I go by Natalie. I'm 21, and currently working on my undergraduate degree. I love art, music, nature, biographies, sunshine, Zumba, popcorn, God, and counseling others. Words of encouragement are my gift, and I'm working on believing my own advice, as I believe most people are.

This blog has been inspired by Rae and "The Unglamorous World of Eating Disorders." Thanks Rae for sharing your story, because it has inspired me to share mine.

Thank you for reading this :)

--Nat