The sandwich...

I can't remember the last time I ate a sandwich and didn't feel guilty about it. WHY? I don't know why I do that. I'll eat piece of toast, and then another piece of toast because I deprive myself of the sandwich, and then I may eat a spoonful of PB because I'm still hungry.....so by then, I've practically already eaten a sandwich...just in separate parts. I feel like its a binge, even though I know that's something a normal person eats. I'm not sure what it is. It's like, I can't allow myself the joy of eating a full sandwich, knowing that I'm consciously eating bread. I can't remember the last time I ate a lot of foods that I consider "bad" without feeling like I've failed. And, I have no answer as to why I do this. It's like I feel like I'm not strong enough to resist the food, so I feel like I'm weak.

I think there is some kind of metaphor with the sandwich thing. In order for a sandwich to be a sandwich (I've never written the word sandwich so many time in my life)...it has to have 3 parts--top bread, filling, and bottom bread. Some small part of me subconsciously thinks I don't deserve all of those parts. The voice inside my head tells me..."you're fat. you're worthless. you can't do anything right. you don't deserve to eat because you need to lose weight. bread is bad, and only people who are skinny are allowed to eat it." I know that voice is against me, and yet, even though I know it's not my friend and only wants to hurt me, I still react to those thoughts. I can tell myself those comments aren't true, but I still respond to them. It's like muscle memory. There is some disconnect in my brain--part of me is very conscious that I have disordered eating and thoughts, and the other part tells me I'm normal and that I'm right in thinking all of those things about myself because they are true. Because I don't fully understand what's going on in the psychology behind those disordered eating thoughts, its much easier to believe the other side.

Natalie, you are worthy of eating a sandwich. A full sandwich--all together. Because you deserve fullness and wholeness. You deserve life and your portion of daily bread.